It’s part of the job, I told myself. Like an athlete, sort of. I mean, yes, I hadn’t had a period in six years...but Olympic gymnasts don’t get one either? I’m not anorexic. I’m committed to my work. That’s different. Isn’t it? And when I’d go to my former agency, they’d still find flaws..so I can’t be that skinny? They’d say “your legs look athletic”. Which was code in agency lingo for bulky, fat even. Of course they were athletic, I was spending two hours a day doing Pilates. And I’m “pear shaped”, like they had told me. I had picked Pilates for that reason. Thinking it would shed the fat off my legs and hips but still build the “thinly toned” look they so demanded. But you can work and starve all you want and it’ll never shed the shape of your wishbone shaped hips. I didn’t realize that, so I clung to my worth in each number of the scale shed. “When I’m 115, I’ll be happy! That’s the perfect weight” I’d tell myself at 5’10 and already underweight. When I reached 115? 111. The number I had weighed at my freshman physical when my mom said “wow you’re really growing up!”. 111? Well 110 would be a lot better! 110? Well how hard is 5 pounds to lose? At 105 I wouldn’t be even considered a waif, by Hollywood terms. But I’d be close enough. I got to 108 when I started losing my hair. Falling asleep to fast and heavy heartbeats. I knew I was dying. I saw it as hard work. I’d relish in being able to wear clothes from the children’s section. Being able to wrap my whole grip around my forearm. I had no energy unless it was fabricated by caffeine. I told myself it was dedication and not disorder. And to this day, there’s a strong part of me that feels I’ve failed. That feels sad when I look at these videos and pictures and knows I don’t look like this anymore. That I’m not “strong” enough to get back to that point. Well, thank God for weakness then. I don’t know what I weigh now, but more importantly, I don’t really care. I know my worth is more than a number. I know that I can be committed to my career but also to my health at the same time. I know that it’s okay to have a dinner that’s more than 200 fucking calories.
alexandriatothemax we’ve reached the phase in quarantine were i’m now looking at indoor fort ideas on pinterest, multiple pairs of wigs are in my amazon cart, and i put on makeup just for a selfie on the roof for social validation and interaction 🥴 // sweater from @grlfrnd and pls don’t ask me how many days I’ve been wearing it 🙃
alexandriatothemax “boredom of the heart” a song I wrote and recorded a few months ago in one take, but never felt it was worthy of sharing. but now more than ever, I feel we should all share more. whether it’s songs, art, conversation, love, toilet paper. it’s all worthy. check out the full demo up now on my youtube (link in stories!) ✨